基本上,看完這一篇的人應該對原作者致上十二萬分的敬意
原則上,有感而發的人請每天三次朗誦本篇文章
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魔王須知
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays
well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I`ve read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I`ve noticed
that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:
魔王似乎是個不錯的職業選擇. 待遇佳, 加給多而且工作時間可以自由調整.
但是在各式書籍或電影裡面, 魔王們在結局總是會被打敗或毀滅.
我發現無論是野蠻人領袖, 背道巫師, 瘋狂科學家, 或是異形入侵者, 他們每
次
都犯下同樣的基本錯誤, 因此, 如果我有幸成為魔王的一分子, 我將會...
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
我的軍團將會配備耐熱塑膠 透明 面罩頭盔, 而不是遮住面孔的頭盔.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
我所屬的建築物通風孔將會小到沒有任何人爬的進去.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
被我篡奪王位的兄弟, 我將會把他殺了, 而不是囚禁在地牢中某個被遺忘的角
落.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
用槍斃來處決我的敵人, 永遠不會便宜了他.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
對於提供我力量來源的神器, 我不會將它放置在不朽巨龍所守護, 火焰之河所圍
繞
的絕望山脈. 我會放在我的保險箱裡面, 對於我唯一害怕的東西, 處理方式亦
同.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies` predicatment before killing
them.
當我的敵人陷入困境, 在我殺了他們之前, 我不會幸災樂禍.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?`` My reply
will be, ``No, just sensible.``
當叛軍領袖用挑釁的語氣要求跟我單挑: 如果沒有部下幫忙, 你該不會害怕了
吧?
我會回答: 不, 我只是很理智.
8. When I`ve captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?`` I`ll say,
``No.``
and shoot him.
當我抓到敵人而他對我說: 等一下,在你殺我以前,你可以告訴我這是甚麼
東西/為了甚麼嗎? 我會回答: 不 然後斃了他.
. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks`
time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
當我綁架了美麗的公主, 我會毫不聲張的立刻舉辦私下的結婚儀式,而不是在我
邪惡計劃的最後階段, 花三個禮拜的時間準備耀眼燦爛的婚禮.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push``. The big red button marked ``Do Not
Push`` will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid
enough
to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be
labelled as such.
我絕不會製作自爆系統, 除非真的有需要. 如果非作不可, 啟動自爆裝置的開關
也絕
對不會是一個標註危險, 請勿碰觸的大大紅色按鈕. 按下標註危險,請勿碰
觸的大大
紅色按鈕只會觸發陷阱, 把那個笨蛋斃了. 開/關的標示也不會很清楚的標明.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined
to overthrow me -- I`ll do it myself.
我不會命令我最信任的副官殺掉命中註定毀滅我的嬰兒, 我會自己動手.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
我不會在我最機密的指揮室審問我的敵人, 外面隨便那一家小旅館都可以.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies
alive to show they pose no threat.
我很確定我高人數等, 因此我不需要故意留下謎題般線索來證明我的聰明才智,
或是饒我最弱的敵人一命來證明他們無法威脅我.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy`s death look like an
accident
I`m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn`t believe
it.
我不會無聊到設計讓我敵人的死亡看起來像個意外, 我不用對任何人證明我的無
辜,
而且其他的敵人都不會相信的.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the
word mercy``;
I simply choose not show them any.
我很清楚我非常了解 慈悲 這個字的涵義, 我很乾脆的選擇我不需要它.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
我的顧問中會有一個五歲的小孩, 在我的計劃執行之前, 裡面所有他會發現的漏
洞
或缺陷, 都會被補正.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration,
will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
所有被宰掉的敵人都將被火葬, 至少要對屍體掃射很多輪子彈, 而不是讓他們死
在
懸涯底下就算了. 所有對他們死訊的公佈, 以及接下來的慶祝活動, 都將在上述
措施
執行後才進行.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots
or
adhere to any other dress codes.
所有我的臥底都不會有用來辨識他們身分的刺青, 也不用穿著軍靴或是遵守某
種
固定的穿著, 佩帶裝飾品的規定.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other
form of last request.
英雄不會被允許最後的一個吻, 最後的一根煙, 或是任何其他的死前最後要求.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
我將不會使用任何倒數計時用具, 如果無可避免時, 我將會設定在倒數到117的
時候
啟動/爆炸, 此時英雄們無論有甚麼計劃, 也都才進行到一半.
(譯註: 英雄總是會在倒數最後一刻完成計劃)
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted
to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he`s
caused.
我會親手設計末日武器, 如果我必須僱用一位瘋狂科學家來當助手, 我會確定
他
瘋的夠徹底而不會有一天突然後悔, 想要彌補所犯下的錯誤.
22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there`s
just
one thing I want to know.``
我永遠不會說: 在我殺你之前, 我還有一件事想知道.
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their
advice.
當我僱用顧問時, 我會常常聽取他們的建議.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
at a
crucial point in time.
我不會有兒子. 雖然他想篡奪我權力的可笑計劃常常失敗, 但是在關鍵的時刻,
這將
會造成我致命的分心.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil,
but one look at the hero`s rugged countenance and she`d betray her
own
father.
我不會有女兒, 雖然她將會美的如同她的邪惡一般, 但是只要她看一眼英雄的破
爛面貌,
她就會背叛她的父親.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it`s too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
雖然是很好的壓力紓解方式, 我不會沉迷於自己的狂笑之中. 這個時候往往會沒
有注意
到事情的突發狀況, 而比較謹慎注意的人將可以輕鬆的處理.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for
my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them
look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes.
All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive
mind-set.
我將聘請頂尖的服裝設計師為我的恐怖軍團設計制服, 而不是選用某些廉價的防
冒品,
讓他們看起來像是納粹黨突擊隊員, 羅馬的步兵, 或是野蠻的蒙古遊牧民族. 這
些傢伙
最後都被打敗了, 我希望我的軍團有比較正面的心理建設.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
無論我有多少無限制的能量, 對於任何大於我頭部的防護罩, 我一分能量也不要
花.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless --
my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
spears and
rocks.
我會保留一批低科技武器而且常常訓練我的軍團使用它們, 這樣子即使英雄們關
掉了
我的能量產生器, 或是用某種方法使得能量武器無效, 我的軍團不會被一小批拿
著長槍
石頭的野蠻人擊敗.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I
will
never utter the line ``No, this cannot be！ I AM INVINCIBLE！！！``
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
我將會理性的評估我的力量以及弱點, 即使這樣會讓魔王這份工作減少一些樂
趣,
但是至少我永遠不會說: 不, 這不可能！ 我是無敵的！ (接下來往往接著立即
的死亡.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort
of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small
and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
無論用起來有多好用, 那種除了一個微小, 不可能被接觸到的弱點之外不可能被
摧毀
的機器, 我是絕對不會建造使用的.
(譯註: 死星)
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate
enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow
him to
retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will
be so
startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
當我跟英雄生死決鬥時, 如果我幸運的擊飛他手上的武器, 我會很有風度的允許
他撿
起來, 這並不是因為公平決鬥的榮譽感, 而是他會因此而驚愕與疑惑, 讓我能夠
輕鬆
的料理他.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.
無論反抗份子中某個人士如何的美麗, 世界上總會有另一個人有同等的美貌而且
不會
想要宰了我. 因此, 在我下令將她送到我的臥室之前會再三考慮.
34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
reason
I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
重要的東西我絕對不會只做一份, 同樣的, 我時時會佩帶至少兩件備妥的武器.
35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum
to
attempt this.
當最高指揮中心被攻擊時, 我會立刻逃到安全的逃生艙裡面, 在那裡指揮防禦戰
鬥,
而不是當敵人殺進指揮室才準備逃走.
36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
我會將我的寵物怪物安置在安全的籠子裡面, 籠子要堅固到讓它們無法逃出, 同
時安全
到我不會不小心跌倒掉進去.
37. Even though I don`t really care because I plan on living forever,
I will
hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I
am slain, it won`t tumble to the ground for no good structural
reason.
你知道, 雖然我計劃永生不死, 所以我不是很在乎. 不過我還是會僱請一個好的
工程師
請他好好的建築我的堡壘. 這樣子即使在我死了之後, 堡壘不會莫名其妙的崩
塌.
38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into
confusion.
我會打扮的光鮮亮麗, 充滿活力, 讓我的敵人迷惑不已.
39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly
thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
surely
give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
relief.
所有無能的魔術師, 笨拙的隨從, 沒有天份的吟遊詩人以及膽小的盜賊都將會事
先被
處死. 因為沒有幽默的調劑放鬆, 我的敵人將因此放棄他們的使命任務.
40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly,
world- weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or
romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
在我王國中所有天真豐滿的酒店女侍, 都將被換成暴躁乖戾, 令人厭煩的女侍.
以確保
她們不會對英雄或他的朋友提供意料之外的援助, 或是羅曼蒂克的插曲.
41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
sacrifice
will be outlawed and destroyed.
任何能夠讓已經自我犧牲的次要角色奇蹟復活的魔法或科技, 將會被宣佈為非法
並
加以毀滅.
42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to
come
by.
我不會突然暴怒然後殺死帶來壞消息的信差以彰顯我的邪惡, 你知道好的信差
是
不容易遇到的.
43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
in the
main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret
of my
power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens
will be
jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
我會計劃 定期 讓有勇氣的少年/少女穿著奇異的服飾, 帶著外地的腔調, 爬
上廣場上
的紀念碑公然抨擊我, 宣稱知道我力量的秘密, 同時號召組織反抗軍等等.這樣
一來,
當真正的勇者到來的時候, 市民早就厭煩了.
44. I won`t require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-
code.
Similarly,outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved
for
formal occasions.
我不會規定恐怖軍團中的高階女性穿著無暇的鋼制胸罩, 比較寬鬆的服裝規定會
有比
較高昂的士氣. 同樣的, 全套黑色皮製服飾只有在正式典禮時才需要穿著.
45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero`s party
getting
into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
我不會採用在陷阱發動前, 將英雄隊伍誘入我最高指揮中心的邪惡計劃.
46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
我不會變成一條蛇, 這一招總是沒用.
47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation
X.
我不會蓄山羊鬍, 過去這讓你看起來很邪惡, 但是現在這讓你看起來像是X世代
的
不滿份子.
48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep
the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies
to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
我不會將同一隊伍的人都關在一起, 而是各自囚禁. 如果他們是非常重要的囚
犯,
我會將唯一的牢房鑰匙帶在身上, 而不是發給每一個地牢守衛一把.
49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he`s my trusted lieutenant.
如果我最忠心的副官報告我們的恐怖軍團正在輸掉一場戰爭, 我會相信他. 畢
竟,
他是我最忠心的副官.
50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance
towards
me in my old age.
如果我擊殺的敵人有年幼的兄弟或是子孫在外, 我會立刻找出來而且殺了他們.
而不會等到他們懷著仇恨長大, 在我年老時來找我.
51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite
number among his army.
當我必須騎馬上戰場時, 我絕不會接近我恐怖軍團的最前線, 也不會尋找敵軍中
我的對
手.
52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable
super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead
of
keeping it in reserve.
我既沒有騎士精神也沒有運動精神, 如果我有無敵的超級武器, 我會盡早使用而
且常
常使用, 而不會把它收藏起來.
53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-
travel
devices.
一旦我的權力鞏固, 我會摧毀所有令人厭惡的時光旅行機器.
54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
being
executed.
我會提供預言神殿兩個選擇: 只為我工作或是被處死.
55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes
and filching keys happens to follow him around.
當我抓住一個英雄時, 我會確定我也抓到他的狗, 猴子, 雪貂或是其他任何碰巧
在身邊
可以解開繩子或是會偷取鑰匙的病態可愛小動物.
56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
當我抓到一個美麗的反叛分子, 而她宣稱被我的力量與外貌所吸引, 只要讓她參
與
我的計劃, 她就會背叛她的同伴. 對此, 我會維持健康的懷疑態度.
57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
我只會僱用為錢工作的獎金獵人人. 那些為了樂趣而狩獵的傢伙很可能會做出愚
蠢的
事, 例如很奇怪的給與對方逃命的機會.
58. I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable`` spells that
can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.
我不會依賴可以被不引人注目的護身符所抵銷的 萬無一失 的魔法.
59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I
will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the price for
failure, then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
我會確定我很清楚組織裡面每個人的責任. 比方說, 如果我的將軍把事情搞雜
了, 我
不會拔出我的武器指著他說: 這是失敗的代價. 然後突然轉身隨機殺掉旁邊的
部下.
60. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can
one
man possibly do?`` I will reply ``This.`` and kill the advisor.
當我的顧問對我說: 王上, 他只不過是一個人, 能成得了甚麼大事. 我會回
答: 這個.
然後宰了這個顧問.
61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him
to
mature.
如果我知道某個乳臭未乾的小子開始摧毀我的任務, 我會在他還乳臭未乾的時候
宰
了他, 而不是等他長大.
62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology with
respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
對任何被我魔法或科技所控制的野獸, 我會尊重並和藹的對待它們. 這樣子如果
控制
被解除了, 它們也不會馬上來找我算帳.
63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me,
I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
them out
to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
如果我得知某樣神器可以摧毀我, 我不會下令所有的軍團全部動員去奪取它. 相
反
的, 我會命令軍團去奪取其他的東西, 然後不動聲色的在地方報紙上面刊登徵求
廣告.
64. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will
be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh power
books.
我的主要電腦會擁有獨特的作業系統, 與IBM電腦或是Macintosh電腦完全不相
容.
65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized.
While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
they are
hard to close quickly in an emergency.
我會選擇堡壘的大門是一般標準的尺寸. 當然, 精心製作的20公尺高的大門可以
讓大眾
有深刻的印象, 但是危急時常常來不及關起來.
66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions
in the beautiful princess` cell, I will immediately transfer him to a
less
people-oriented position.
當我地牢的守衛之一開始關心美麗公主的牢房狀況時, 我會立刻把他換到比較不
需要
與人接觸的職位.
67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine
my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels
that I
might not know about.
我會聘用一群合格建築師組成委員會, 仔細的檢查我的堡壘, 讓我知道所有密道
的位置,
同時廢棄堵塞所有我所不知道的密道.
68. If the beautiful princess that I captures says ``I`ll never marry
you！
Never, do you hear me, NEVER！！！`` I will say ``Oh well,`` and kill
her.
如果我抓到的美麗公主對我大吼: 我永遠不會嫁給你的, 永遠！ 你聽到了嗎,
永遠！
我會回答: 那很好. 然後斃了她.
69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
當我和惡魔達成協議後, 我不會只是想要個敵手而試圖欺騙它.
70. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there
is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
變形生物與奇怪的精神病患在我的恐怖軍團裡面會有一席之地. 但是在我派它們
執行
需要老練與狡猾的重要秘密任務時. 我會先找找看是否有其他可以引起較少注意
的
適當人選.
71. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance,
按我看照片
